Thread:Prof. Draco/@comment-28082245-20160522012803/@comment-1674153-20160522070907

One, poor writing is the bane of every aspect of the internet, so despite the flippancy I press the importance of improving your writing. And this is coming from someone who is not an English Major.

Two, your fanfic suffers from the same issues that your pages on this site do. Beyond simply having issues with syntax and grammar, the fanfic is weak in the lack of atmosphere. Things happen, plot advances, but you don't bring your readers to care because there is a distinct lack of air available for your readers to sit back and breathe.

Take, for instance, when Claudia heads over to the auction in Univille on her own ping quest. First of all, it happens so immeadiately after Artie says something in the warehouse that I got whiplash from the sudden change in tone. Secondly, you need more time to develop Claudia's feelings over wanting to prove herself. That's an important feeling that is rather integral to her as a character, so it shouldn't be glossed over as "just another day in the life of Claudia" - she may want to gloss over that feeling, but you as the author shouldn't. Thirdly, the fact that she just knew that the toy was an artifact is problematic, but it would have been fine if you had gone into depth about the discovery. A moment of Claudia trying to describe something impossible to describe is such a rich opportunity for making your story pleasurable.

But it just...happens. There's nothing interesting about it. And you create fine artifacts, granted you try and describe them way too much. But this only juxtaposes the lack of color in the writing elsewhere and makes it even more obvious that there isn't enough spirit in the piece to go around.

But a full review of your piece is not what you asked for, nor is it what I want to do this evening, so let me say this. I am perfectly fine with you writing your characters into this wikia's canon (not cannon, by the by). On paper, they can function just fine.