Agent Logs

In a World of Endless Wonder, sometimes the wonder gets a little hectic and sometimes, it can be a true wonder. Here we list some events around the Warehouse that were worthy of writing down in the agents log.

Aden Taylor
Eclipse Chasing

Artie Nielsen
 The Art of Reading War 

Soldiers approached from all sides, marching through the warehouse or barreling down aisles with weapons drawn. It seemed that every army in history had come together to besiege the Warehouse. Spartans and Mongols sprinted along side German footsoldiers and the Swiss Guard, paying no mind to each other. Every man with a weapon wanted a piece of the Warehouse crew, who were currently hiding in the Pete Cave.

The team looked scared as they faced Artie, who had assumed the role of commander. "Felix, I need you and Nikki in the rafters. Man the bungee and mortar as many as you can!"

With a quick salute, Felix and Nikki were gone, scurrying up the narrow stairs to the iron beams above.

"Agent Jinks, get the Red Baron and gun down as many as you can. Lattimer and Donovan, on McQueen's bike with some Teslas or Sabines. They won't know what hit them. The rest of you, you're all trained in some kind of weapon. Get out there and try and thin their numbers."

Aden, Bri, Tyler, Blaine, Matt and Rick saluted and ran from the office. Artie could hear the sound of yelling mixed with the roar of engines. Every now and then, a loud crash indicated agents Nola and Draco were doing their part. "Now," Artie said to himself, "To take on their commanding officer."

With the soldiers distracted, Artie could move around the Warehouse in relative safety. Three or four times he encountered some adversaries and dispatched them with nearby artifacts. He was feeling quite proud of himself for sending seven Conquistadors flying with a strike from Ralph Kramden's Bowling Ball when he reached the library.

He flung open the door and paced down some shelves before finding the one who kept sending the soldiers to destroy his team. Myka sat in a large armchair, thick headphones muffling out the sound of Artie's approach. He'd find out later that they were to stop the noise from Pete and Claudia's game of library Nerf-tag from distracting her. Artie strode forward and tore the scroll she was reading from her hands and dumped it in a static bag.

"What the hell, Artie!" exclaimed the surprised agent. Artie grabbed her arm and turned her towards a window, where the soldiers were crumpling and vanishing like paper in a fire. Wordlessly he handed Myka paper label and a broom and left the library. Myka looked down at the paper, an artifact information tag, and suddenly felt very guilty. With a sigh, she walked back out into the main Warehouse and began sweeping some plaster and cannon shells into a corner.

On the tag where she left it, at the very top in bold black type read: Sun Tzu's "The Art of War"; WARNING: DO NOT READ!

Blaine Biston
 The Butler Never Does It 

"Felix...if there was ever an artifact for you to not touch, this was the one I would've picked." Blaine said as he walked around the Spiral Office, "You had to go poking around with Anthony Pratt's Cludeo Patent, and now Aden 'dead' until we figure who killed him, where, and with what."

Blaine had been doing inventory when he felt a shift, namely the fact that he was decked in out in a gold outfit. Despite the sudden change in outfit, he paused to hear a lot of metal twisting and bending. Checking up on the Warehouse's layout, he saw that an entire section of the Warehouse had warped into a familiar looking game board.

Meeting up with Felix, Sandy, Rick, Mary, and a few other agents who were decked out in monochromatic outfits...only to learn from Mary that Aden had died, but not before getting decked up in a black suit and heading off into the Warehouse. Putting it together, Blaine realized that someone had messed around with the Cludeo Patent that'd wind up inspiring game known as Clue.

"So?  There's only 324 possiblilties, we should be able to deduct who killed him eventually." Felix suggested as he tried to pull the collar out of his reverend's outfit.

Blaine shook his head, "No...this is the patent.  Pratt made it to be played to be during air raids, and the game was able to support up to 9 players, had 9 weapons, and had 11 rooms.  That makes 891 different possiblities."

Blaine walked over to the whiteboard where he had written down all the weapons and rooms.

Rooms: Hall = Artie's Office; Study = Art Gallery; Library = Library; Billiards Room = Fun & Games Section; Conservatory = Nature Section; Ballroom = Music Corner; Kitchen = Food Aisle; Dining Room = Household Aisle; Gun Room = Armory; Lounge = Television Section, Cellar = Dark Vault

Weapons: Thunderstone Axe (axe), Elephant Walking Stick (cane), Flat Top Store Sign (bomb), Isaac Parker's Noose (rope), Hassan-i-Sabbath's Qama (dagger), Butch Cassidy's Revolver (revolver), Charles Davenport's Syringe (syringe), Halloween Apple (poison), and Fireplace Poker

Aden's body had been found in the Dark Vault, and despite not going in to take a good look at it Blaine had a good idea of 'what' had killed him, "Since he was in one piece and not burnt or blown up, the bomb is out of the question.  We also had a pool of blood, so that also rules out the syringe and rope but the size isn't big enough for the axe.  Finally there was a lack of blackpowder odor in the room, removing the revolver from the equasion.  This leaves us with just the Dagger and the Fireplace Poker."

Mary spoke up, "What about the cane?  He could've coughed up the blood."

Blaine shook his head, "No...then the blood would've pooled around his head, not his chest. Dagger or Poker."

Blaine thought hard, the next piece of the puzzle was the 'where', but from the quick peek he had of the body, Blaine knew a few things. For starters, there was there was a lack of dust on him, and the Gallery and Library were laden with it. Dark Vault was also out since there was no sign of a struggle.

Thinking back to some of the reports that Artie had left out, there was a leaky Goo pipe above the entrance to the Armory, Telvision Section, and Music Corner that he wanted Claudia to take a wrench too. The way that the report had been pushed aside for laptop space made him belive that she hadn't gotten around to it yet, and there wasn't a drop of goo on Aden't black suit.

Next he knew that he could eliminate the Nature Section since The Green Thumb was on the fritz again, and you couldn't go in or out with out either gettin caked in pollen or finding a leaf stuck to your back. Aden showed sign of neither one.

Finally, there was the 'to-do' list nearby him. On that list were artifacts that needed checking on, and from the looks of the list, the artifacts that needed tending too were all in, near, or around the Fun & Game's Aisle. That's where he was headed before the murder, and that was the scene of the crime.

'''Okay, I know it was in the Billards Room with either the dagger or the poker...but who? Motive is non-existent in this case, so I'll have to look for something else...''' Blaine thought at he looked around at the other 8 suspects. All of them looked nervous to some degree, but it was their hands he was looking at. If any of them handled the dagger, the encrusted handle would've left an imprint into their skin. Luckily, it he didn't have to resort to smelling the hands for the smell of wood since Sandy (who was dressed as Professor Plum) had faint indents that matched the dagger's bejeweled handle.

"I've got it." Blaine's voice took the other off guard as the gold-dressed consultant walked out to hallway. Once out there, he shouted to the celing, "It was Sandy with Hassan-i-Sabbath's Qama in the Fun and Games Section!"

Blaine waited a few secs...but nothing.

"Did you consider the fact that it wants you to play by it's rules?" Mary called out from the Office. Rolling his eyes, she did have a point.

"It was Professor Plum with the Knife in the Billards Room!" At the sound of the statement, a multitide of golden sparks rained from the celing.

Aden walked into the Spiral Office, holding his head. Inside, he saw most of the other agents and consultants sitting around, chatting "I was checking a spike in the Fun & Game Section when I had the strangest dream..."

 Seeker And You Shall Recieve 

Bri and Matt came rushing into the Convention Aisle as fast as they could. Blaine had sent them a panicked Farnsworth message requesting help, and all three of them dropped what they were doing to see what was wrong.

In the Aisle, Blaine was standing next to the display meant for Dante Vale's Overcoat and the Caliban Amulet. When he and Nikki went to wrangle the Mortal Kombat artifacts at a convention, he had ditched his Orange Dino Gem in favor of the coat and amulet. What was peculiar was that while the coat was back on the stand, the amulet was missing from it's stand.

"Blaine, what did you do now?" Bri said noticing the missing artifact, "You'd better not be tinkering with the..." She looked to Matt and then to the infromation display, '...Caliban Amulet. Last time you got lucky with the Dino Gem, but lightning doesn't always strike twice."

"Actually it does, scientifically speaking," Blaine said, his hands jammed in his pants pockets, "But that's not why I called you here...." He pulled the amulet out and placed it on the display...only to have it zip right back into his pocket. Looking at he co-workers, Blaine stared at them, "That's why."

Bri shook her head, "Huntik is not my fandom...I'll go grab Felix or Aden. Between the two of them, they should have an answer."

Matt instead shook his head and laughed a bit, "No need Bri, as hard as it is to believe, this is my fandom we're dealing with here."

Bri raised an eyebrow, "You?  Part of a fandom?  I find that hard to believe.  Even using your abilites, you should only know the-"

Matt cut her off, "Don't worry Blaine, you see the Amulet and Titan inside is typically bonded to the person wearing the coat, but in your case, you kept the coat on for so long that the Titan has fully becomed bonded to you.  You now have a pet swordsmand, and when coupled with the coat, you'll have access to spells too."

Blaine stared at Matt for a few seconds, "...This is even better than the Dino Gem!  I've gotta show Felix!"

As Blaine bolted down the aisle towards his Felix's Workshop, Matt turned to a shocked Bri, "Funny, I was expecting a bit more fear..."

Bri Rependata
 Spending Spree: 

"If I had known that we'd be running all day, I would've brought my sneakers..." Nikki said as she rubbed her heels.

"Nikki, I have been waiting my entire life to do this," Bri said as she gripped her shopping cart, "Don't take this away from me."

"I'd hate to see you on Black Friday..."

After several beserk shoppers had caused massive damage in a Denver Walmart, Nikki and Bri had been sent in to investigate. The two of them had figured that whenever a person heard a check-out beep, they'd go crazy, and that it was three carts specifically that were the artifacts. A quick search on her phone got Bri excited since they were the carts from a 90s gameshow called "Supermarked Sweep". As Nikki soon found out, it had been her favorite gameshow growing up, and that they had two ways to neutralize them; either goo all three...or they could do the Big Sweep and the Bonus Round.

Nikki leaned up against the checkout line as Bri began to charge. At the sound of the horn, Bri sped off aiming for the meat section, quickly loading up on the most expensive cuts of beef they had followed by the largest turkeys and hams she could grab.

Speeding on, she hit the cleaner aisle where she started grabbing the largest containers of All. She knew that the carts still worked off the 1994 prices (Nikki had been surprised that Pop-Tarts had once been $1.55 a box), so she had studied the strategies that the winners had used. The deli was her next stop for large wedges of imported cheese and long tubes of salami. After that, it was time to grab coffee which was a bonus $100 to her total. Lucky for her, while the 90s affected the prices, technology remained untouched, meaning her ground coffee took much less time. With this help, she rushed back to the check out and pushed the cart off, catching Nikki off guard as she got a heavy cart slammed into her.

Bri now rushed to the pet section section and adjoining outdoor section where she planned to load up on dog food and charcoal. She may not have been as strong as Matt, but with the adrenaline surging through her, she literally chucked the bags into the cart and grabbed an inflatable Dole Banana as she heard the timer run out.

"Over $1000 dollars in under 3 minutes." Nikki stared at the number on the check-out scanner, "You scare me sometimes Bri."

"It's a gift, as well as a bit of basic math." Bri shrugged as she took the envelope that the cashier handed her. According to Bri's theory, if they managed to find the $5,000 dollars with in 30 seconds of recieving their first clue, the carts would naturally neutralize.

Opening the clue, Bri read it out loud to Nikki, "While Hawaiians may have a lot of soul, you can find some in a can on of ______."

Bri didn't even wait for Nikki as she bolted off towards the canned food aisle, but Nikki kept in tow, "What is it? Hawaiian Punch?"

Bri skidded into the aisle and already had a can of pineapple in hand, "Dole!" She flipped it over and ready the next clue, "Newspaperboys used to yell it, not chew it..."

It was Nikki's turn to leave Bri in the dust as she jumped over several aisles for the Candy Aisle, yelling "Extra Gum! Tyler's addicted to it!" Grabbing the specially marked pack, she read it as Bri met up with her, "To avoid all the fights and scuffles, pick up a big bag of ______." The girls just stared at each other before yelling, "RUFFLES!"

The girls made a mad dash for the chip aisle where they saw the specially marked bag of Ruffles. Behind it was a bundle of $20s. The girls grabbed it as a bell rang off through the store.

"How much clothing did you girls buy?" Tyler asked as he and Matt hauled in another bag of clothing from their car. After they had gotten back, the girls had gone on a shopping spree and the guys were stuck with bring in the bags.

"Enough." Bri said as she tried on a new blouse, "Between the two of us, we're going to have enough clothes to last us for awhile."

 Worst...Timeshare...Ever...: 

It had been a miracle that the Warehouse was able to get a timeshare in Italy, but after pooling their money together, the agents were able to nab an Italian Villa for a good price.

The only way that they'd be able to take advantage of the deal would be if 8 or more of them went at once, so Bri, Tyler, Blaine, Felix, Aden, Mary, Juan, and Sandy had packed up and headed out for a vacation that would go much better than their Jamaica trip.

Blaine noticed something was wrong the moment they entered the Villa, "Strange...there's no Wi-Fi or cell coverage..."

The others shrugged this off as part of the deal, causing the former Global Dynamic programmer to sulk.

Unpacking had gone without a hitch as the rooms were assigned, but as dinner time rolled around, they were greated with a second surprise, several chefs and a butler named Giles were waiting for them. After the introductions and welcoming to the villa, the agents sat down to dinner of grilled chicken, salad, and an expensive wine.

Things at dinner were going well...that is until the power suddenly shut off causing a small panic until Giles lit a candelabra that lit the room...and Blaine's body with a cutting knife sticking out of his chest and a napkin stuffed in his mouth.

More panic errupted as Giles ushered them out to into the hall where he explained that he had recieved instructions that a game would be played during their timeshare. While the butler droned on, the agents didn't need to hear the rest of his speech, they knew what was going on. Memories of Matt and Nikki showing off the 'Whodunnit' Kitchen Knife came back to them, and how they'd all been there to see it, and for one of them to fall victim to it.

Bri gritted her teeth as Giles finished his monolouge, "Worse.  Timeshare.  Ever."

Felix Draco
''' Just like that time... '''

Another day of artifact experimentation as Felix pinned up the sheet of paper above the doorway to Artie's office. When he was confident it wouldn't fall and was unlikely to be noticed, he retuned the stepladder toit's corner and hid himself under the sofa.

Not long after, Artie and Pete walked in, discussing the case they had been on. Felix put on some purple shades from his hiding spot and skillfully threw a paper dart so that it hit the irratable senior agent in the head. Artie looked around in confusion while Pete tried to stifle a laugh.

Unravelling the note, Artie read it aloud. "Just like that time I re-enacted that scene from Young Frankenstein with Old Bone?" He looked confused for a few moments and began to say something that sounded like "Never happened", when the poster above the doorway began to glow with artifact energy. Felix laughed out loud, the note was intended for Pete, but this would be even more amusing.

In a flash, the office vanished and was replaced by a stage. Artie and Old Bone were on in tuxedos and top hats, twirling canes and doing an amusing and passable rendition of 'Puttin' on the Ritz'. As Old Bone croaked out the last few words, the scene reverted back to the office and a very confused and startled pair of agents.

"Uhhh Artie, were you just...?"

"NO! That never happened! Someone...", Here Artie looked around the office until his eyes fell upon the rough pencil sketch tacked to the door frame. "Ah-ha, Seth MacFarlane's 'Family Guy' Concept Art." Artie feebly tried to jump and reach the artwork as Pete finally broke into fits of laughter. Using the USS Eldrige's Barometer, Felix slunk out of the office and into the Aisles.

On the notepad in front of him, he jotted a few notes. "Experiment success. Events do not need to have actually happened for non-sequitors to take place. Participants appear to be in a daze while scene plays out in their heads." Laughing to himself, he made his way back to his office, passing Harry Richman's Lapel Pin on the way. He didn't notice it, but the Pin gave a small silver spark, as if it approved of his test.

 Letting it Go 

Felix sat atop the Warehouse surrounded by a flurry of snow and wind. The melodic sound of the violin he was playing resonated through the blizzard. As he played the last note, the winds died down and he noticed Joe watching him from a few meters away.

"Enjoy the show?" Said the senior agent, with a hint of sarcasm.

"Were you just playing "Let it Go" in a snowstorm?" The newbie wandered over and sat next to him, feet dangling over the edge of the burgundy steel roof.

"It's a good song. And it helps me remember why I'm here..."

Joe gestured to the violin. "Artie sent me out because one of Vivaldi's strings was missing. I'm guessing it was the winter one?" Felix gave a non-commital nod and handed him the instrument. "I didn't know you could play. It wasn't mentioned in your file."

The feline thief looked quite distant for a while."I haven't played in a while. Not since I left home."

The two sat silently for a while before Joe broke the ice. Figuratively and literally, as a sheet of frost cracked as he lent his hand on it. "I read about your past. At least, what little bit of it is avalible to the rest of us. I know you've lost someone, and I know you changed your name. I won't press you, but can I ask why?"

Felix looked contemplative for awhile. "After what happened, when the artifact was born, I found that the less I thought about it the less it affected me. Eventually I worked out that it was tuned to me personally, and the less of myself I identified with, the less power it had. Using a different name, never staying in one place for too long...even the whole cat incident, unintentional but it helped.

"Eventually I'd changed enough of myself that I could almost ignore the artifact completely. But every now and then the sadness would come back and I wasn't sure if I could keep going. Then I found the Warehouse, or rather, it found me. This place gave me peace. Helped me 'let it go', as it were. Still sometimes I feel the pain, so I come up here to remind myself what I have..."

Joe had been silent the through the talk, listening and comprehending. When Felix finally went silent he spoke up again. "Have you told this to anyone else?"

Felix shook his head. "Something about you, I feel like you'd understand more. I don't know, I guess I find another thief more trustworthy than Secret Service or ATF."

After a bit more silence, Joe shattered another piece of ice and snapped their attention back to reality. "Thanks for trusting me. I know I'm the new guy, but I appreciate it." Taking the violin in hand, he turned back towards the small door in the mountainside that led back to the Wareouse. "See you later, Felix."

As he walked away, he heard the agent call over his shoulder. "Alec. When it's just you and me, you can call me Alec."

''' This one time, at Anthro-Con... '''

Tyler hesitantly knocked on the door to the artifact testing lab. "Felix, you in here?", he called out.

"It's clear, you can come in." came the reply.

Tyler walked into the room full of shelves and tools. Various artifacts were stored in purlple boxes or bags. A black baby carriage sat in the corner surrounded by a wire fence. Felix sat at a counter, jumper cables in one hand and the other holding the hilt of a sword. "Tyler. What can I do for you?" he said, not looking up.

The HARP agent looked uncomfortable for a a moment. "It's about the whole 'Magic Mike' thing last week," he said. "It remeinded me of the first time we met, way back at Anthro-Con."

Felix calmly turned around to face his co-worker. On the outside he seemed steady, but Tyler noticed an alertness in his eyes. "What about it?"

"Well, you said you're not the kind to blackmail, so it made me wonder why you'd want to see me in that...costume. And in particular why you'd want me to know you knew. It just made me think of what happened, or could have happened, in that hotel room." Tyler stopped and took a breath before continuing. "Be honest, if I hadn't scared you off, would we have ended up in bed?"

The question seemed to surprise the feline agent, he dropped the cable onto the blade of the sword, which caused it to rocket out of his hand an embed itself in a wall. It took just a second for him to recompose himself. "Honestly, probably. I thought you were attractive for a lion. I mean, sure I just wanted to take your cash, but I'd always take advantage of a cute target. Not that I'm going to chase you now," he hastilly added, seeing Tyler's wide eyes. "Bri scares me, I don't want her thinking I'm trying to steal you."

"So you were spying on me last week be because you think I'm attractive? But don't you and Juan have something going on?"

Felix shrugged. "Not really. We got too high before anything happened."

Tyler sighed, "Well, at least puts to rest any worries I had about that day.  Thanks for answering." As Tyler slid out, he quickly popped his head back in, "If you want though, I'll extend that offer of a show to you as well..."

Forged in Fire and Feline

Felix hefted up the heavy bucket of water and flung a thick rag over his shoulder as he made his way down the aisles of the endless museum of wonder. From his left he could hear the sound of punk rock and bursts of static as Claudia and Pete doused some overactive artifacts a few rows down. To his right, the buzz of Artie's segway and the irregular patter of Trailer's paws following him. Felix made his way down a side aisle and slipped through a gap in the shelves to avoid them as he steadily made his way towards his destination.

He was so focused on the sounds receeding behind him that he failed to notice the almost silent swooping of artifact wings and nearly dropped his equipment as Blaine landed beside him, Spriggan Wings vanishing on his back.

"Up to something, Drakey?" he said smugly. "Must be something interesting if you don't want Pete or Artie finding out."

Felix gave a resigned sigh, knowing that the agent wouldn't relent and he beckoned Blaine to follow. A few more rows down, they duo came upon what looked to be a blacksmith forge nestled into the side of a large dividing wall. Blaine noticed that the glow of embers eminating from the forge was a pale blue in colour and, as Felix emptied the bucket into a trough, took the time to read the metal placard rivited to the wall.

"The Damascus Forge," Felix said before the HARP agent could speak. "Damascus steel, when it was first smithed hundreds of years ago, was centuries ahead of it's time. Stronger, more supple and barely needed sharpening or repairing. Turns out it was less skill and more, well, this," he gestured to the array of mechanisms. "I found it here a week or so ago and thought I'd take it up as a hobby."

Blaine stood silent for a while before finally speaking. "Awesome. Can I comission something?"

Felix grinned, showing a small pointed fang. "Wait and see if I'm any good at this first." With the conversation over, Felix produced a large ingot of steel and held it towards the furnace as Blaine sat nd watched him work.

Garrett Scott
 Keep Calm and Clutter On 

Garrett walked through the recently messed up Convention Aisle in his home away from home. He mentally cursed the Collyer Brother's bricks. Somehow, one or more of them had found their way here. Garrett, along with several other of the agents, had been called up to assess and repair the damage.

He rumaged through a patchwork teddy bear, a box of rainbow rings, and what looked like a silver coin with an anime-like creature on it before finding a special book with a unicorn on it; he gasped loudly. "The Elements..." he muttered beneath his breath. He carefully raised it to eye level, careful not to jostle the contents too roughly for fear of being sent to the moon, or worse, turned to stone by a rainbow blast. (Yeah, rainbows turn you to stone - go figure-ine).

Opening the hollowed out tome, he gasped again at the sight of the shimmering gemstones on their golden bands.

"Did you find something?" He heard Aden call from across the aisle.

"Yeah!" Garrett called. "The Elements of Harmony. I can't believe they could just be thrown around like this and not be scratched or moved. Must be magic..." Garrett's voice trailed off as one of the elements began to glow: Fluttershy's Element of Kindness. "What the...?"

Garrett reached a hand towards the pink butterfly gemstone, and the flash of light exploded around him. Suddenly, he was in the air surrounded by pink butterflies.

"Kindness..." He heards a girl's voice whisper, seemingly coming from all around him, sounding suspiciously like Fluttershy's. He felt an itchiness in his shoulder blades and, looking behind him, found he had yellow wings! He had pegasus wings!! His red hair seemed to be a little longer, too, more coarse like a horse's mane, and straighter too. His human ears had also disappeared and had been replaced by yellow pony ears higher up on his skull. Maybe Equestria Girls wasn't so crazy...

As the light faded, he was still in the air, flapping his wings like they were second nature.

"Garrett?" Aden said is utter disbelief. Staring with eyes wide enought to rival those of Joe Jones or Jelisa Norsworthy at Garrett's newfound wings, Garrett laughed in pure joy.

"My parents always told me I had my head in the clouds." He chuckled.

 It's Not Just For Gays Anymore 

"BOOOOM!" Garrett's ears seemed to explode. Fitting, seeing the Hall of Hate actually did. Garrett, ironically, was on his way to the Valentine Aisle for the umpteenth time since William Master's Stethescope was getting rather antsy with the recent same-sex marriage pass in California. Apparently, that was the last straw for one of the artifacts, and Garrett didn't need to guess what it was.

Fred Phelps himself would have been proud of the havoc of destruction his own hat was wreaking upon the Warehouse. Like a turret plane or something, it was flying around the Warehouse, destroying anything it saw with blasts of pure hateful energy. Garrett pulled himself together and took off after the artifact.

Seeing it was too fast for him to go after it on foot, Garrett clutched his hand over his newly claimed Element of Harmony, Kindness. Praying thanks to his favorite pegasus, he sprouted wings and hauled plot.

Luckily, sensors were placed all around the Warehouse for occassions just like this and Goo Turrets, Claudia's own creation, emerged from the ground like the hands of the ressurected dead. Some shot steady streams of purple liquid, others shot bullet-like spurts into the sky, each just missing the hat.

"What the HELL!?" He heard a familiar voice, that of Felix, screaming from the top of a shelf, and turned. Unfortunately, so did the hat, and it flew right towards his face. Garrett was worried that if something wasn't done, soon, if that hat laid on Felix's head, it would destroy him in a blaze of un-glory.

"RUN!" He shouted. Felix, thank Baast for his hearing and reflexes, darted down to the ground on all fours, the horrid headware grazing his hair. Pulling his wings in, Garrett fell towards earth, stopping to hover just a few feet off the ground. "You okay?"

Felix nodded. "Yeah, but what the fuck is that thing?" The hat seemed to be looking around, its brim turning this way and that, searching for its new target.

"Fred Phelps' Hat. Oh shi-" Garrett didn't have time to finish, thankfully for the sake of his grandmother's hearing-aid, as the hat found the duo. Felix darted around on all fours, much like the felines he so expertly emulated, his claws sparking the floor, while Garrett flew again.

Wobbling more than he'd like to admit, Garrett reminded himself to ask Aden for flying lessons.

"AAAGH!" He heard Felix scream. The hat must have blasted him. Diving down, Garrett landed next to his fallen colleague.

That hat homed in on the feline target, and flew like a bullet. Garrett ran behind it and shouted: "Hey, over here!" The hat faltered and turned around to "face" him. "Yeah, you. Don't you wanna punish me for not keeping the closet full?" Garrett ran like hell and the hat followed.

Stopping and turning around, Garrett clenched his hand around his Element and concentrated. He was enveloped by a rainbow light dominated by pink, and a large laser-like light shaped like a butterfly shot from his gem and hit the hat on target. "Bullseye!" He exclaimed.

The hat, struck down by its polar oppisite, fell to the ground inaudibly. To be sure, that is what usually what happens when a hat is dropped. "Huh, I expected a bang."

Garrett flew back down the aisle and helped Felix up. "You sure you're okay, bro'?" He asked. Felix smirked with one side of his mouth, teeth still pointy from his emergency transformation.

"Yeah, nine lives. I'll be back on my feet in minutes, just you watch." Felix released himself from Garrett's grasp and looked. "Uh, listen, if you don't want me to tell the others of what happened, that's fine by-" Garrett held a hand up.

"Go ahead. Never stopped you before, I'm sure I can get through life with a little secret being let slip."

Matt Sordens
 Play It Again Sam:  

"I think we're called HARP for more than just the fancy acronym." Matt said as he and Tyler walked out of the Oregon bar with the karaoke machine that Leonard Polverelli used to break the record for world longest karaoke marathon. The machine that had been causing singers to pass out and strained vocal chords in acheiving the 100+ hours to naturally neutralize it. Tyler had managed to crank out over 50 songs from various styles before Matt decided to goo it instead.

"What do you mean?" Tyler said rubbing his throat. He had hit several high notes in the last few songs, and he knew that it was going to sting for the next week.

"Almost every few months we pick up some song related artifact." Matt explained popping the trunk to their rental car, "Seriously, we're pegged."

Tyler shook his head, "We haven't collect that many...have we?"

Matt and Tyler got in as Matt began to count on his fingers, "Leroy Brown's Jacket, Denim Trousers of the Terror of Highway 101, ABBA's Champagne Glasses, Just Dance Neon Gloves, The Devil's Golden Fiddle, Donna Summer's Blouse, Xenon Dance Floor, Tiles from the Orleans Parish Women's Prison...need I go on?"

Tyler spoke up as he snapped in, "In my defense, the Xenon was a complete accident. Also, the Just Dance Gloves don't count, those are video game artifacts."

"That doesn't help the fact that HARP is leading the others in 'music-related artifact collection'." Matt turned the key and backed out of their parking spot, "Let's face it...everyday we're shuffling."

Tyler laughed despite his throat now tensing up, "Play it again Sam...play it again."

The Curse of Jacqueline Bodard:

Aden crossed his arms as he waited with several other of the Warehouse staff in the H.A.R.P. Office, "Okay, we're all here, what did you want to show us?"

Matt smiled to Nikki as she walked in with a cloth covered tray. It had been a week since the others had returned from their private Soap Opera in Bermuda, and he and Nikki had been eager to show of the artifact they had snagged while they were gone.

"Well," Matt started, "While you were tackling daytime TV, Nikki and I were squaring up against primetime.  I introduce to you-" he whipped the cloth off the tray, "The Whodunnit Kitchen Knife."

The silence in the room was more of confusion than amazement, causing Nikki to chime in, "ABC's show 'Whodunnit' was hybrid of a reality show and a drama.  They had contestants, but had a plot that they had to follow, competing for a cash prize while trying not to get 'murdered'.  The show caused a small uproar when people thought that the contestants were actually being murdered."

Matt followed her up, "The show also inspired two audiobooks narrated by the show's butter, Giles.  In the first book we learn that the events of the show had happened to him before and that it was the curse of the first murderer, Jacqueline Bodard, that cause the next two murder sprees he was forced to partake in.  We think that the Knife has her curse since we picked it up at a dude ranch after a faint phone call managed to escape despite the 'no wi-fi and no phone coverage' field that the knife generates."

As the two Consultants explained to the other 8 staff members, no one noticed as the knife picked it new host as a staff member locked eyes with it...a small, malicious glint resonated in their eye.

Nikki Nola
 Double Dare '13:  June 23rd, 2013

"Geller owes us big time for this..." Matt whispered beneath is breath as he, Tyler, Nikki, and Bri headed over to the Slopstacle Course. Geller had recruited them to pick up another artifact being used on the set of a remake series of 'Double Dare'. The trophy from the first Family Double Dare Tournament of Champions was being used backstage to make sure that the show was a hit. While Geller searched backstage, she had the Consultants enter in as a distraction as 'History's Mysteries'.

"Admit it, you're enjoying this as much as when we were on the 'Legends of the Hidden Temple' reboot." Nikki said as she stretched, "Besides, we're at the final challenge and we get to keep whatever we win." Nikki waved to Geller who was now in the audience holding up a rather large silver totebag.

The announcer split them up to their stations, all of which were derived from the original ones. In order, Matt would start them out at 'Gum Drop ' (a giant ball pit essentially), pass a flag off to Bri who was at 'Car Wash' (a take on the original 'Kid Wash'). Tyler would pick up at 'Gak Geyser' where he'd have to climb up and through machinery spraying green goo and pass his flag to Nikki who would dive into the 'Baked Alaska Pipeline ', a tunnel that was slick with choclate sauce. Matt would then pick up at 'Soda Jerk ' where colored water would pour out with a flag; up next was Bri at 'Pick It ' where she had to dig around inside the an oversized nose for the flag. In the homestretch, Tyler was placed at 'Big Bowl ' and finally Nikki at 'Sundae Slide '.

"On your marks...get set...GO!"

Matt cannonballed into the ballpit, causing the sudden energy to force him and dozens of plastic balls out. Getting up, he snatched the flag and passed it off to Bri who threw herself through the skinny tunnel, popping out flag in hand and tagging Tyler. Goggles on, Tyler scampered up the ladder in spite of the goo, grabbed the flag, and slid down the pole, handing the flag off. Nikki dove head first throught the tunnel, using the chocolate to reduce her friction as she then repeated the process twice more before meeting Matt. Matt leapt up onto the platform and used both feet to trigger the Grape and Orange soda sprayers at the same time until the flagcame out of the Orange. Handing it off, Bri slide onto her back and stuck both hands into both nostrils, and pulled out covered in sea-foam green goo...and flag in hand. Tyler took it and rammed into the large yoga ball knocking down the bowling balls, exposing the flag.

Nikki nodded as she took the flag. Bri had wasted a bit of time at 'Pick It', but that was expected since it had been the bane of the several teams in the past, but Nikki didn't have the time to waste. Using the railings, she high-stepped it up the slippery ramp (made even more silppery from the Pipeline). Grabbing the flag, she again dove head first down the slide grabbing the flag as her head rammed into the whipped cream mound waiting for her at the bottom.

Nikki didn't get a chance to get up, as she found herself being pulled out by her teammates, all who were coated in goo in one way or another as they hugged her, jumping up and down. "I take it we won?"

As the audience shuffled out, Geller met the others on the floor of the studio while the consultants wiped up, "I got it. I don't think that the show will get past 5 episodes, but don't worry, you'll get your 15 minutes of fame." She held up her totebag, "Found it in the first place I looked, the producer's office."

Nikki looked at her as she removed hair band, "Wait...you found it right away? What were we doing at that moment?"

Sarah shrugged, "Winning the Toss-up I believe. I got back to my seat when Bri got the first Dare question right."

The consultants stared at her as Nikki spoke up first, "You mean...we went throught the entire show while you got to kick back?"

Sarah smiled and she headed for the exit, "Dare."

Pete Lattimer
Sea of Lost Souls

"WHY AM I HERE AGAIN?" screamed Nikki, over the sound of howling winds and pounding rain. She had been selected as one of the group of agents sent out on the Santa Maria, used by the Warehouse for nautical retrievals due to it's ability to sail itself.

"WE NEEDED TO FILL THE RANKS!" replied Myka, equally drenched and irritable. "PETE'S THE ONLY ONE WITH NAVAL EXPERIENCE, HE JUST NEEDED THE 'CREW', AS HE WON'T STOP CALLING US!"

"LOOK ALIVE, CREW!" shouted the man that Myka loathed to call Captain. "STORM'S CALMING DOWN, WE MUST BE CLOSE!" True enough, within minutes the weather had died down considerably and a thick fog had flooded the area. Pete waltzed onto the deck and faced Myka with a smug look on his face. "You're all here because we needed to move quickly and I needed a crew to boss around. If you know someone else suitable for captaining a marine vessel, I'd like to hear it."

Myka resisted the urge to punch his arm and resolved to have a calming twizzler binge when they got home. "So why isn't Felix here then? If anyone would know anything about the history of the Flying Dutchman, it's either him or Artie."

Pete's smile didn't slip an inch. "He's off in Eureka, apprenticing under some guy called Tabbit or Target or something. Artie said it would be good for him to get out a bit more. Besides, it's just another artifact, right? Nothing to be afraid of."

As if on cue, Joe called from the crow's nest. "Dutchman, off the bow! Approaching fast!" Pete jumped into action, flipping a spyglass out of his pocket and looking in the direction specified. Sure enough, just visible through the fog was the outline of a large frigate gliding quickly in their direction.

"Artie's tip was good, it's here! Bering, Nola, man the cannons! Or woman the cannons. Make cannons ready for shooting things!"

The ship swerved to flank the Maria and the agents could see onboard. The deck was abandoned, not a single soul was visible. The only thing the ex-Marine could see was a lone figure at the helm. Though barely visible in the fog, the figure raised a hand and pointed it towards the darkening sky. Then it spoke in a way that made the entire crew freeze in fear. "WITH GOD, OR WITH THE DEVL." boomed the skeletal captain, and it sweved the wheel to ram them.

Regaining his senses, Pete found his voice and yelled to his crew. "Fire cannons!" he shouted, and the sky boomed with sudden thunder all sixteen of Hayreddin Barbarossa's Cannons fired canisters of goo at the haunting vessel. The wind started to pick up and the clouds began unleashing rain agIan as the fog began to fade, and the crew could see clearly the boney figure of Captain Vanderdecken as the ship faded and vanished into the sea foam. As the last outlines of the ship faded, Pete could hav sworn he could see a second figure standing behind him, horned and black skinned. Then it was gone.

Myka, Nikki and Joe ran onto the deck. "Damn, Artie won't be happy. Apparently this thing doesn't often stick around long enough to attempt a retrieval. And we blew it." Nikki rested herself aginst the mast.

"But that thing didn't even react to the neutralizer, it just vanished." pointed out Joe. "As if it were really..."

"Nope, don't say a word." said Pete. "Artifact escaped. That's the story. Agreed?" A silent look around the faces of his crew told him they had seen the same, and there was a silent moment of affirmation. "So, home then?"

"Home.", they all said in unison.

Tyler Lepido
 Towering Tyler:  

"We have two other guys in HARP...why me?"

"Short straw. Besides, can you see Blaine doing undercover if technology wasn't involved? "

Tyler shuddered, but still glared at Bri through the Farnsworth, "Still...I'd feel safer if you were here. I'm getting ansty being isolated."

"You have your Sabine though, right?" Bri asked as she took a sip of her coffee.

Tyler checked the door to his dressing room before he pulled diesel-punk pistol out of a drawer and showed it to her, "Of course, but there's not exactly somewhere to store it when I'm on stage...especially near the end of the routine."

After a ping had popped up in El Paso, Tyler was selected to go undercover at a strip club to find the artifact from the inside. For the last month, he had been going under the name "Towering" Tyler Garcia and has become the headlining act for the Jackalope's. He knew for sure that there was a Magic Mike artifact somewhere in the building, but even with Bri and Nikki feeding him info from the film, he was still having issues finding it, but he was narrowing it down to a piece of costume from the set, namely the titualr character's vest.

Bri attempted to hide a laugh, "Touche, but you think you know what the artifacts is? Escher is getting tired of covering for you at the ice cream parlor and Blaine's taken to swearing in Klingon to your IKEA helpline."

It was Tyler's turn to smile, "Yes, I think it's the vest that one of the other guys here wears for most of his act. I plan to bag it tonight after everyone leaves. After that, I plan to fake a family emergency to get the hell out of here."

"That's good." Bri leaned back and took another sip, "You know...you mentioned in passing that you get to keep your cowboy outfit and the money you've made...could I request a private show when you get home?"

Tyler blushed as he stashed the Sabine into one of his holdsters, "Well, I'll consider it..."

A loud rapping cut him off, jolting Tyler back to reality, "Tyler, you're on in ten! Get your ass out here, we've gotta full house tonight!"

"Duty calls." Tyler said as shut off the Farnsworth and stashed it.

Bri smiled slyly as the Farnsworth blinked off...only to see Felix leaning in the door way of the HARP Office in the refelction of the glass.

Spinning in her chair, she panicked a bit, "How long have you been there?"

Felix gave a small laugh, "Enough to know that Tyler isn't undercover in a production of 'Singing in the Rain' like he said he was when I caught him spinning around on pole in the Valentine Aisle..."

 Aces Wild:  

~''Why do you have to be a moral theif? I'm struggling here with a four of spades and a five of diamonds with a six of diamonds, jack of diamonds, and an ace of spades on the flop. I might try to play this out into either a straigt or flush. Any luck on finding that artifact?~''

~It'd be easier if I knew what was looking for, not just who owned it!~

Escher had sent Tyler and Felix off to an underground poker game in Prague where it was being suspected that the House was using a luck-based artifact to make sure that they always won. Escher picked Tyler for his charisma, and Felix to get in and filch the artifact while no one was looking, and Tyler's high-stakes game was doing just the ticket.

To help them out, Tyler had brought along three artifacts to help them; two of them were bracelets from the Creery Sisters, a set of five sisters who managed to fool scientists into thinking that they were telepathic. The bracelets allowed wearers to communicate telepathically, but the more bracelets being used increased the chances of the wearers being caught. To counteract it, as well as to better his poker skills, Tyler had also brought Gus Hansen's World Series of Poker Bracelet. To keep them hidden from sight, he had slipped them on as anklets so that no one would question why he was was wearing an oddly familiar bracelet and a woman's bangle.

~''Look, all I know that it was used during Peter Darke and Johnathan Freedman's study into luck. They must've done something right to imbue the artifact with good luck. I might try to ride this out...thank god they took one of Frank Abanale's checks~'' Tyler thought as he took a look at his cards

Felix slunk through the office ~Anything would be a help...~ He lifted a painting off the wall to find a safe, much to his delight ~''Found a wall safe. Want to bet that the artifact is in here?~ A laugh from Tyler was he needed to hear ~This is going to take a few minutes to break into...so, how was your month undercover?~''

''~Well, opening night was a huge success and I snagged the artifact that night afterwards. Next performance was a real trainwreck.~ Tyler watched as a two of clubs came up on the turn ~Come on...papa needs a three...~''

~Funny...I don't remember Jean Kelly wearing a pair of assless chaps in 'Singing in the Rain' Tyler...or should I call you 'Towering Tyler'?~

Tyler gave a gulp at the table that his opponents took as a sign of a bad hand, raising the stakes to see if he'd fold, but Tyler called them

''~How much do you know? No, better question, how do you know? Only HARP knew, and only Steve would've seen through that lie when you caught me in Valentine Aisle...~ He paused ~You little eavesdropper! You listened in when I called Bri!~''

~''Oh, I did more than just listen. Remember that mirror I brought to Bermuda?~''

While Tyler played it cool at the table, inside he was groaning now that he realized that he had a nice, shiny mirror in his dressing room.

Back at the Warehouse, Juan was perusing the Aisles when he came across the stand for the Creery Sister's Bracelets. Realizing that two of them were missing, he picked one up to figure out who was using them where.

''~Fine, you got me woven in your web of blackmail. What do you want?~ ''Tyler asked as he watched the dealer perpare the last card.

~I don't want anything from you.~ Felix smiled as he popped the safe open, ~''Well, maybe the occasional inside joke and some teasing about how good you look in a coybow hat and holdster; maybe a stallion or bronco joke here and there. Don't worry though, I'm good at keeping secrets. No one will know about 'Towering Tyler', the cowboy stripper. Hey, does BIGL and a survey mean anything to you?~''

''~Yes! It stands for 'Belief In Good Luck'. Darke and Freedman gave it to several test groups to answer. Somehow this place must've gotten their hands on a spare one.~ Tyler watched as the three of spades flipped over, causing the other players to groan as Tyler revealed his straight ~Felix, how does splitting about, oh...$50,000 sound to you?~''



Juan set the bracelet back on the shelf, smiling to himself as he continued back to the Convention Aisle to meet Aden...

 Spring Cleaning 

"Thanks again for helping with the rummage sale," Tyler said as he handed a box to Sandy, "With the others out after chasing a Wundt artifact, I was worried that I'd have to haul our stuff to the tables myself."

"That's okay, didn't have much else to do in the Warehouse anyways." The psychic agent replied.

Univille was having it's yearly rummage sale again, and the HARP Consultants always had a table of nick-nacks that they bought from their travels. It was actually suprising how much they could make of some t-shirts and mugs.

"Okay," Sandy said as he placed the box out in the hallway, "Bri's note said that there were a few things in the closet that needed taking care of."

Tyler lead the way to the master bedroom and opened the closet, "Bri wants the leather catsuit that she wore during that one stealth mission to be sold.  Also, we have a few ugly sweaters that a thankful person keeps sending us each year.  Mustard is not my color."

Sandy laughed as he began pulling the wool knitted sweaters out. As he reached out to grab another hanger, he grabbed a most peculiar outfit. It looked like a cowboy coustume, but there was a mesh undershirt and a leather jockstrap hung between the chaps.

When Tyler saw what Sandy had pulled out of the closet, his face went pale, "I can explain...."

Sandy raised an eyebrow at Tyler, "Let me guess...you weren't 'Singing in the Rain', but rather 'stripping round the clock'.  I knew we had Jean Kelly's Umbrella already, so I knew that you weren't headlining in a musical..."

Tyler flushed scarlet, "You're not the only one who saw through my lie...you see, HARP had me go undercov-"

"Wait, back up," Sandy stopped him mid-sentence, "I'm not the only one who knows about your short-lived career as a stripper?"

Tyler looked at him sheepishly as he sat down on the bed, "Felix not only evsedropped on Bri when I called her once, but he may have also played peeking tom with Justus von Liebig's Mirror."

Sandy laughed again, "That cat!  Why am I not suprised?"

Tyler stood up and looked the outfit over, "So...what to do with this?  I can't sell it without raising eyebrows in Univille, Felix would just buy it off ebay just to torment me, and Bri is expecting it to be gone when she gets back..."

Sandy smiled, "Well, you could always stash it in the Eros Sector.  No one would bother to look there."

-

Juan was doing inventory, and his next stop was the Eros sector.

As he walked down taking inventory, something odd stood out to him, instead of missing an artifact, there was an all new one hanging up. It appeared to be a stripperific cowboy costume. Looking at the tag, his eyes went wide as he read the title: "Towering Tyler Stripper Outfit"